February 23, 2025

I probably shouldn't be making emotional vents this early on but last night I felt so so awful. I cried for literal hours, I really can't remember another time I cried so intensly and for so long.. Usually when i feel like this I just go to sleep and wake up fine the next day, but I woke up like 2 hours ago and I still feel just as awful. I have nobody to vent my pain with and I don't know what to do, so I guess I'll just write it here for a bunch of strangers to see.

I'm tired of being mean. I feel like I'm too mean and rude to people I care about and that don't deserve it. I don't know why I am like this I don't know how to stop being like this and I don't know why this bothers me so much. They say they're used with the way I am and that's not a bother to them but sometimes I just feel so immensely guilty. They deserve a better friend.

I wish I could be a better friend, I wish I could be a blessing to them, somebody who is kind and lovely, somebody they would miss when I'm not around, somebody who they REALLY care about. I just want to be cared. I just want to be cared by them because I care abt them so so much they're so good to me, but how can they even care back when I struggle so much to express it?

I used to be nice. I used to be so nice and sweet to my old friends when I was a kid why did I stop it? Was it because they we're kind of assholes? Was it because they bullied me? So I slowly adopted a "tough" love style and closed myself emotionally so I couldn't be hurt? Because I didn't felt safe even around the people who were supposed to be my friends? Thinking about it now I guess that being bullied both phisically and verbally + sexually harrassed by you own friends when you're a 11 year old girl kind of affectes you a bit. God I miss that sweet, kind and overly sensible girl, all that's left is this asshole overly sensible attetion seeking bitch with trust issues who constantly thinks her friends secretly hate her.

Just a silly funny comic of a situation with an old middle school friends that kinda stuck with me. I think I'm better at expressing myself through drawings then just pure text, I should probably use the text tool next time tho writing with the mouse is really annoying !!

Fun fact I think I'm a moron cuz I just realized I accidentaly typed february 2 instead of february 20 in yesterday's blog entry. Just fixed that !!

February 20, 2025

I decided to try pre-made layouts !! the only thing I don't like is how they always look too same-ish but that can be solved just by switching up the images and tweaking some things. I rlly hope this change encourages me to use this website more often, I always wanted my own blog cuz have a deep desire to be listened and understood by others. Sorry for any gramatical errors btw english is not my first language and Im quite terrible at it :P